Better late than never! (a.k.a. Boston Marathon Weekend 3 months later)

Tomorrow it will be 3 months since I took a little run from Hopkinton to Boston.  I have been meaning to blog my feelings and reactions to that day, but, ya know, life gets in the way!  

Alas, here I am: 3 months post-Boston Marathon and I am finally writing about it.  I remember it with amazing clarity.  Slightly warmer than ideal, horrendous traffic getting into Hopkinton, nervous energy, oh yeah, and a terrible chest cold!! :(  I started to feel "not right" the Thursday before... I was burning up, felt super tired, and just blah.  Friday morning I woke up to a full blown cold.  In April. 3 days before I got to finish what I started on April 15, 2013.  There was only one thing I could focus on: I was going to finish that damn race!!!

I rested as much as I could, tried not to laugh (because that induced massive coughing fits), and drank water and tea, and anything laced with vitamin C like a fiend.  I HAD to feel better.  Saturday night was the highlight of my runner geek life - I was going to meet Hal Higdon!  You might remember his book, 4:09:43, that he wrote soon after that life-changing day.  He selected my story to be part of his book, a walk (er, run) through the day from the eyes of those involved: runners, spectators, officials, all of us.  

I rallied on Saturday to visit the expo, get my number, and have dinner in town for The Gathering of the 75, as our group was dubbed from Mr. Higdon himself.  I felt like death, but as many of us runners can be, I was stubborn and was not going to miss this opportunity for anything.  

We went to dinner and met up with the man himself.  Such a great guy, approachable, and fun.  We met a few new friends - Mary and Dave from Milwaukee, John and Helen from Scotland, and of course Janine who organized the whole shindig.  

I definitely made out in race schwag! 

Run like Hal!

Mary and Dave

John and Helen

After muddling my way through Easter Dinner with the in-laws-to-be (I'm sure I was in a medicated fog), marathon Monday was upon us. Traffic was awful getting into Hopkinton - CRB had to drop me off a mile from the center of town and I gave a State Trooper a coronary because I was carrying a backpack.  He let me continue on my way to the branch when I nearly burst into tears on the sidewalk.  

After the obligatory 3+ hour wait, it was time for us wave 4 folks to head to our corrals.  

Raquel and yours truly

Raquel, me, Henry, Stacy

I really wanted to finish in under 5 hours, but when the evil death cold descended into my chest a few days before, I knew that was not going to be possible.  I decided to sight see, be careful (as careful as one can be while running a marathon), and just run for that painted line on Boylston Street.  

I took my time, knowing where friends and family would be stationed.  It turned out to be warmer than any of us expected that day.  I saw my work friends in Natick.  Huge thanks to Nick for replenishing my sport beans and coconut water stores! 

I saw my amazing friend Amy in Wellesley where she was volunteering at the Mile 14 water stop.  Water and a hug - exactly what I needed right about then!

I saw my dad and my CRB at Newton-Wellesley Hospital.  I stopped to chat a little and take some water. Dad said I looked good, so I knew I wasn't looking like death. (He's pretty honest about stuff like that). Patty gave me a cheer at Mile 17-ish right before the Newton fire station turn onto Comm Ave.

I struggled the whole day, but I really started to feel bad around Mile 20 or so.  I saw my friends Jo and Amanda right before then, and they reassured me I looked great.  Hey, I might not be fast, but at least I still looked OK at Heartbreak Hill, right?!  A guy offered me a beer, and I actually considered it at that point.  I mean, I had 6-ish miles left, it was hot, I was tired...how much worse could it get?  Well, 200 yards past my girls, it got worse.  I hurled.  Sitting on the curb halfway up THE hill, I actually thought for a minute that I was going to see the inside of a medical tent that day.  But no. That wasn't an option.  Crossing that painted line was my ONLY option that day. 

Surprisingly, I felt better after I got sick.  Once I got past the hills and began my final descent into the city, I knew I was going to finish.  Not fast, and not pretty, but I would finish. (If only that nagging side cramp had subsided, it would have been SO much better!)  

I worked my way through the route, getting closer and closer with every step.  I was amazed at how many fans were still along the course.  It was amazing.  Once I saw the Citgo sign, I knew I was almost there.  When I hit Kenmore Square, that's when the emotion really hit me.  This is where I was stopped last year.  The Sox game had been over little while, thus Kenmore was packed with energy and emotion.  The tears started then.  

At the "1k to go" banner, I saw blue singlets.  Could that be Tedy's Team, and my friend Christine?  Nah...I hadn't seen her since we loaded into the corrals at the start.  But it was!  She and I stuck together with other Tedy's Team peeps for the final .62 miles.  I saw my family when I took the right onto Hereford.  Mom, Dad, CRB, Andy, Aunt Beth...all there for me.  They were there last year and were closer to the tragedy than I was.  They showed up again to support me and the tens of thousands of others for the love of the event.

Taking the left onto Boylston, I was in awe of what I saw. People, 10 deep, lining the street, cheering for complete strangers, cheering because they were there.  After what happened last year, I was worried.  Worried that the finish line wouldn't be the same, that the energy wouldn't be the same.  I had been on Boylston to see my brother finish the Boston Marathon in 2009.  I felt the energy, the amazing vibe, just everything.  I had hoped that wouldn't change.  And it didn't.  Maybe I was delirious by then, but I think I ran my best in the last 386 yards than I had the entire race.  I saw the NF Inc. Northeast ladies just before I got to the finish line.  Cheering like crazy!  

Then, at long last..... that line of paint. I had it. No one could take that away from me now.  

Hugged Christine, made sure she was ok, and then I was off to find my family (albeit very slowly).  

Since it was later, and so many people had already finished, grabbing a bite to eat of something other than Sport Beans or post-race snacks in Boston was out of the question.  CRB and I bid farewell to my family and made our way to the car to head home.  Back in Hudson, I thoroughly enjoyed a draft and dinner at Rail Trail Flatbread Co., proudly wearing my jacket and my medal.  Smiling and nodding when other patrons, who realized what that neon jacket meant, asked, "You ran today, right? How did you do?"  And to the awesome woman who insisted on buying me a beer and/or dessert, much love. I opted for a beer. :)

Since the marathon was right after Easter, I felt a Peeps donut was warranted. 

I had purchased this shirt in 2013 at the expo, but never wore it.  I hadn't had the chance to take that right, and that left.  But now, I will wear it with pride.

Oh, and I am now the proud owner of some pretty sweet tan lines.  No, I am not wearing red socks. Yes, this is what happens when you forget sunblock on your legs.  Oops!  (P.S. It is July 20, and I STILL have lines on my legs.)

And an amazing gift from my future MIL's friend, Terri.  She works for the sign company that makes all the banners for the marathon.  She had this made for me.  What a wonderful gift. 

Everyone has asked, "Will you run it again?"  Training for and running a marathon is no joke.  I'm not what you would call a "typical" runner.  But you know what, I run.  And I will run Boston again.  

March Musings

Here we are - 36 days away from Boston...  

Pre-15 miler! 

This winter has been harder for me than last year.  As far as marathon training goes, it has been one thing after another.  A head cold that morphed into a sinus infection, nagging IT band tightness and pain that resulted in a new knee pain, and my stomach now hates me after any run longer than 10 miles.  BUT, here's the thing - mentally, I'm in a better place.  Last year at this time, I had my first marathon meltdown. Crying, self-doubt, yelling, pity party...yeah, it was NOT one of my finer moments.  I feel like I've been able to weather the storm of Boston Marathon training better this year.  Sure, I have done less running and have had more pains, but all in all, I'm okay with that. 

A few months ago I made a choice.  I decided to keep my head in the right place.  What does that mean?  Well, I made a conscious decision to keep my mindset positive. Yes, s#!$ happens, but it is all how you handle it.  I keep making this choice every day to stay positive about what is going on around me.  My results?  I feel fantastic.  Of course I have had some bumps in the road to a more positive outlook, but I keep coming back to my decision to keep my head on straight, as I like to call it.  

Don't be fooled - reality still exists.  I don't pretend like everything is sunshine and rainbows all the time.  I know this.  But I choose to not let negativity get the best of me.  We all have choices to make, and I choose to keep moving forward.  

Just as negativity breeds more negativity, positive attitudes do the same.  Positive vibes are contagious.  Spread the love. 

Ok, enough of my soap box for now! :)   This week, the B.A.A. announced bib numbers and wave/corral assignments.  Woohoo!!!  

Given the increased field size, there are 4 waves of runners - I am in Wave 4, which starts at 11:25 am on Marathon Monday.  A little later than the last wave usually goes off, but there are 9,000 more registered runners than last year.  Now that I have my number, I am getting excited for Boston.  I will run my best, and I will cross that finish line on April 21. 

Reflecting and healing

I just finished reading Hal Higdon's 4:09:43: The Boston Marathon Bombings, his compilation of stories and accounts from that day. April 15.  As I read, I ran the course again in my mind. I remember almost all parts of the day vividly.  Some parts were surreal, as if my mind's eye was outside looking in. As if my soul was outside my body, looking on, telling me what to do next.  And that feeling was there even before the bombs went off. 

April 15 was an emotional day to begin with.  I kept thinking of my Papa, and of the arduous 18 weeks that had lead up to that day.  When I decided to run and, my original CRB and kindred spirit had warned me: You will have a meltdown, if not more than one. It will be one of, if not the hardest thing you will do.  And she was right.  I had a meltdown the night before a 14-miler, about a month before the big day.  It wasn't one of my prouder moments.  But I pushed through.  

When Marathon Monday arrived, I told myself to remember everything. Remember what you see, what you hear...this may be the only time you do this.  

Reading Hal's book, I re-ran the entire day. Mine started early in Hudson, when CRB and I awoke early and he drove me to Hopkinton.  As I read, I relived each mile through the stories shared. I remember the wave of emotion that flowed over me as I trotted over that painted line next to Hopkinton Green. I remember all the amazing things I saw on my way from Hopkington to Boston. 

I feel fortunate that I live and work close enough to the epic route that I tend to drive it from time to time.  Today I drove along 135 from Westborough to Ashland, so of course I went through Hopkington center.  The surge of emotion that came when I drove over the starting line, down the hill toward Ashland, is the same as it has been the last few times I have driven over that line. It is close to what I felt when I traversed it on foot.  It happens every time.  I zone out - remembering sights and sounds of the day. I couldn't tell you what was on my radio, how much traffic was on the road, or why I was going to Ashland.  At that point in time, I was back on April 15.  

That day changed us. It changed our memories, our reactions.... Conversations come up at parties, dinners out, seemingly casual conversations about what happened, how crowds freak us out, how the sounds of fireworks and helicopters always make us tense up and take pause.  We are all still thinking about it, whether we let on or not. 

I have never met the other people whose stories Hal included in 4:09:43, yet we are all connected.  I feel fortunate that he included my story, although there are thousands of stories that will take years to be told (Hal's words, my agreement).  Janeen Bergstrom summed it up accurately: "All that time. All that sacrifice. Everything you do is for that moment, the moment of stepping on the mat. And it never came. But the lack of accomplishment and the emptiness I feel is compounded by the guilt."

Hal, you did good, fellow runner. You captured our memories and nightmares from that day, and gave the oft unspoken running community a voice.  The body and tail of the serpent, snaking its way 26 miles and 385 yards, not the head finishing with the laurel crowns and prize money.  Those who struggled to attain a qualifying time, or those who qualified themselves by fundraising thousands and thousands of dollars for their selected charities (I, in the latter population). Tears fell as I read and reread sections. You incorporated our stories with bits of history that anyone could appreciate - runners, non-runners, locals and visitors.

Amby Burfoot's closing quote is spot on: "Our institutions did not become great by following a path of timidity and cowardice. We can only hope that the Boston Marathon, though pummeled, will rise again stronger than before." 

We will. I will. I will be there in 2014.  

The process of processing.

It has been 12 days since my body and soul journeyed from Hopkinton to Boston - it feels like it was yesterday, but it also feel like lifetimes ago. 

Yesterday, I finished reading "26 Miles to Boston," by Michael Connelly. I had high hopes of finishing the book before I ran the marathon, but it wasn't in the cards given my crazy life lately.  So, last week, I set out to finishing what I started.  As I read, I ran through the miles with the author - reliving the sights I saw, some were the same as he saw 17 years ago (he ran the marathon in the 100th anniversary year), commiserating with him at certain "pain points" on the course.

It has been 12 days, and while my body is healed, my soul is still a work in progress. 

It has been 20 and a half days since my Papa died. One of the last things he told me was how proud of me he was that I was running "the B.A.A. marathon." He said, "You're going to run, and you'll do your best.  Your best is good enough for me."  Papa wasn't a runner, but his heart was always in sports, just as much as us grandkids playing those sports.  He appreciated sports - for the sportsmanship, perseverance, and dedication.  I know he was proud of me for what I accomplished on marathon day. 

I have been overwhelmed with people being proud of me, congratulating me, asking about my story, where I was, how far I got, and the big question: Did I finish?  When I say no, I was around mile 25.5 when the officials told us to stop, their immediate response is, "oh, but you finished. You would have. You deserve the medal."  And I know I would have finished. I had enough gas in the tank to get myself there.  But I didn't have the chance. 

"Too close to home."  Too close is my best friend having stood right where one explosion happened, but needing to nourish herself and the little life inside her, they went to grab some lunch.  Too close is my friend's mom, positioned on Boylston Street to cheer her daughter to the finish, when explosions happen to her left and right.  Too close is a friend who completed 2 Boston Marathons and whose job it is to guard that evil kid in the federal medical facility. Too close is being 0.7 miles from the finish line....that silly line of paint in front of the Boston Public Library....that line which millions may dream of crossing, yet a relatively small population can actually state with pride that they have done that. 

That's why I feel lost...still... like an unresolved minor chord, just ........hanging....... My major resolution hasn't come.  People who don't run or weren't there don't get it.  And I don't mean that maliciously, just as they don't mean their comments and reassurance maliciously.  That painted line on Boylston Street is the Holy Grail of running.  And I didn't get that.  I don't want anyone to think for a minute that I am diminishing what happened that day.  People died, lost limbs, and their lives will never be the same.  My heart breaks for those who were injured, and those who saw the chaos up close. 

One of the last paragraphs in Michael Connelly's book really sums it up.

"Twenty-six miles and 385 yards.  The start in Hopkinton seems as through it took place weeks ago. The runners lived each yard one at a time. As each step was completed, it became a distant memory while each yard in front seemed to stretch farther away. The cold, the heat, the rain, the snow, the traffic, the spilled beers, the car fumes - all for this euphoric feeling of crossing a simple line. The runs in the morning, at lunch, in the dark, past the chasing dogs, the puddle-splashing cars, the cars that pull out onto the crosswalk, the cars that played chicken with you - all for this euphoric feeling of crossing a simple line.

Of course it's not a simple line. It's a mental and physical barrier that, when conquered, offers a feeling of exaltation that is incomparable." 

One of many reasons why I will run next year.

Untitled (on purpose)

I sit and write this post while so many thoughts and emotions swirling through my mind.  Yesterday began as probably the biggest day of my life - I was running the Boston Marathon. I had trained hard, rode the roller coaster of emotions that come with training for a marathon (that you don't realize until you actually do it), had to say goodbye to my grandfather the week before, and now I was ready to run.  I had Papa's hankie in my shorts pocket. He was with me...keeping an eye on me.

I walked down the street to meet up with Christine and Tedy's Team.  And I not only got to meet Tedy Bruschi, but I got a hug from him too! Yes, it was awesome. 

Christine, our new BFF Tedy, and Amanda

We all walked down the street to join the rest of the masses heading toward the corrals.  After a bit of jostling with the race "hall monitors" we were in our corral and ready to go. We walked-sort of jogged across the start line and began our journey to Boston.  Little did we know what a journey it would be.

After a quick potty stop and wardrobe adjustment (for me) in Ashland, we came upon my colleague Donna in front of her house.  It was awesome to see an excited, supportive face so early on. :) 

We trotted along, checking off the miles and towns as we went along.  I saw my aunt Kathy and her friend Janet in Natick.  As we approached Natick center, I knew I had a cheering section here - all my MSB people!  I saw Sally holding a neon green sign, Andrea manning the camera, and many other familiar faces.  Soon after, I saw my cousins - Maria, Lindsey, and Lukasz.  They were lucky enough to get a big, sweaty hug from yours truly.  I'm sure they were pleased. :P  Natick was a big spot for fans, as we saw Kristen and the boys next (aka, the biggest NF contingent ever!). 

I enjoyed the flats of Natick into Wellesley, although by now I was struggling.  Things hurt - my legs, hips, and this nagging cramp in my side that just would not go away.  It was getting warmer too. 

Soon came Wellesley and the "scream tunnel" at the college.  What an experience.  Those girls are amazing. I got a much needed boost there.  We were looking forward to seeing Amy at the mile 14 water stop.  As soon as she saw us we got a thrilled shriek and a huge hug!!

Onward - past the MSB Wellesley branch - thanks to Brian and Kelsey for the sign!!  And then Kesha around mile 15.  Next, we knew "our guys" were going to be at Newton-Wellesley Hospital.  Honestly, by now, even though I was ready to be done with running, the time had passed rather quickly.  We went up and over 128/95 and down the small hill until the hospital was in sight.  Then we saw Dad and Derek - so excited to see us - both wielding their cameras!

Then we saw Fred and Catherine and paused for a photo shoot with them.  And we continued on toward "the hills."  Taking the corner onto Comm Ave, I felt it.  My body was talking - no, yelling at - to me.  I was struggling.  I knew Jo would be at the top of Heartbreak, if I could only make it.  I kept chugging. I had to.  We saw Jo, Ro, and Steve around mile 21 (I think...) and Ro kept screaming, "Run for me, Keeps!"  See, Ro always runs Boston, and this year she withdrew because of a nagging injury.  I was so excited to see her there.  To pay homage to her, I demanded ice cream. ;)

I remember saying, "I've never been so happy to see BC in my life."  And then I finally felt ok. I felt like I could do this.  Up until then, I had this nagging self doubt: Could I, really?  I couldn't find my pace, I didn't settle in, I didn't feel comfortable....but now, after cresting that hill, I knew I could do this. 

Descending into the city from Eagle territory, the mood changed a bit. More spectators and police were on their cell phones.  People seemed on edge.  There were still plenty of cheering fans...but something was....off...

I had written my name on the front of my shirt the night before, so I had become accustomed to 22+ miles of "Go Amanda!" "You're doing great, Amanda!"....so when I heard a voice yell, "Go Amanda Cancellieri!" I turned quickly...it was Suzanna, my brother's friend from Holy Cross, and amazing photographer!!  It was such a great surprise!  Thanks Suz!

On we went...Chris still feeling good, me, well, I was alternating between walking and running.... I knew it would come to this, but I was hoping I would feel better.  My mentality was that I would rather make the decision to walk, rather than my body making the choice for me.  And that's where I was.  Another couple miles ticked by, and between 23 and 24, the sirens started... police motorcycles, unmarked cars, and I'm sure a few off duty officers sped by us... At the 40k electronic checkpoint, they were already starting to pull the wires up off the street.  Race officials and volunteers had a cautious look of panic on their faces.  Something was up. 

Making it past mile 25, past Fenway and Kenmore, onto Comm Ave., people were stopping.  People were saying to stop running...that it was over... the marathon was done. We would not be able to finish.  There were two explosions near the finish line on Boylston St.  I had less than a mile to go.....less than a mile...

24184

#24184. Coming to a marathon near you. 5 weeks from today.  Yeah!!!

Holding down the couch

Here I sit (more of a lounge, really), on my couch. On my birthday. Sick. Sad face. :( The blessing in disguise: I really needed a day like this.  As much as I think I can keep going nonstop, my body has spoken.  And it has told me, "Girl, I don't know what you think you are doing, but you need to slow down!"  Between working a ton, training for the marathon, planning fundraisers....  Yeah, I needed a time out.

I did have a restful day. I had ice cream for lunch. (hey, it's my birthday! why not!)  And I am swimming in Facebook birthday wishes.  I am overwhelmed with the birthday love! Thank you all! I am so lucky to have so many special people in my life - old friends, new friends, running buddies, work friends, family - you all inspire me beyond words. Thank you.

So, in between my life of chaos lately, I did stumble upon a new blog - Miles Gone By.  What an awesome blog.  And her name is Amanda too, so she must be cool. :)  Our running stories are similar - she got into running in her late 20s, runs for the fun of it, and paces about the same as me.  If we lived closer, I'm pretty sure we would be running buddies. Check out her blog!!!

I found this picture she posted last week:

 

 

Yup. Simple as that.  Run for you, and no one else. And there is a lot of satisfaction in that. 



Mother Nature, 1. Amanda, 0.

Well, I guess it wasn't *that* bad.... um, yeah, who am I kidding?!  It was 37 degrees and raining for my entire 8 miles tonight.

Had a great day at work. I knew it was going to be a rough run tonight, but I was ready to suck it up, lace up my sneaks, and hit the road. 

 

Here's a *relative* sense of what I looked like when I came home from work.

And here is what I looked like after my run...

Yup. Pretty accurate.

The highlight of my run - wearing my new running skirt! :)  Yup, I went there.  I am now the girly girl runner.  But I LOVE this skirt.  I got it from Athleta and it is perfect. Adds just enough of an extra layer to my bottom half to keep me a bit warmer on the chilly days. 


Tonight's run was brought to you by...

....the letters B and H...as in Blustery Headwind.  Thanks Mother Nature, for the extra challenge.  Here's what I have for you...

...and AFTER my run....

Take that. :P

Long weekend run, take 2!

So, Blizzard Nemo squashed my plans to run 15 miles last weekend.  I haven't run more than 10.5 since September 30 (Smuttynose Half). Yikes.  Anyway...I planned a little trip to the Cape to visit my parents (and Fenway Sally, of course!) and hopefully get 15-16 miles in a relatively snow-less area.  Well, now we are preparing for 4"-8" of snow between tonight and tomorrow. 

Channel 5 forecast as of Saturday evening.....

On the Cape.  Really, Mother Nature?! C'mon, help a girl out! Hoping for some clear roads by Monday!

Until then...

 

 

 

 

Want to win an iPad??

A HUGE thank you for all of your support thus far! I recently got some info from my contact at NF that came from John Hancock (the primary sponsor of the Boston Marathon).

Between now and February 24, anyone who donates $26 (or more) will be entered to win an iPad2 AND a $100 iTunes Gift Card. How cool is that??

So, all you need to do is click on the "Donate at Least $26..." link below, make a donation, and you will be entered to win!

Thank you for your continued support of my marathon training and Team NF!

Much Love,

Amanda

Donate at Least $26 and You Could Win an iPad2 and $100 iTunes Gift Card

Right now, anyone who donates at least $26 to any John Hancock Boston Marathon fundraiser will get signed up to win an iPad2 and a $100 iTunes gift card. - Here's how everyone you know can win... Send the link to your John Hancock Boston Marathon fundraiser to all your friends and family and ask them to donate at least $26 too. That's it. On February 24th 11:59pm EST, a winner will randomly be chosen. If you have any questions, please email Boston@CrowdRise.com and they'll solve everything right away. Thanks so much. Amanda Cancellieri, running for Neurofibromatosis Inc. Northeast Click Here for all the contest rules.

It is official!!

Got an email last night - and I am over-the-moon excited!!! Check it out:

 

Dear Amanda E. Cancellieri, This is to notify you that your entry into the 117th Boston Marathon on Monday, April 15, 2013 has been accepted, provided that the information you submitted is accurate. A Confirmation of Acceptance card will soon be mailed to you via US Postal Service mail. In early April 2013, an official Number Pick-up Card and Welcome Booklet regarding the B.A.A. Boston Marathon and related race week activities will be mailed to you via US Postal Service first class mail. This.Is.Real. Wow.

Warm thoughts from a chilly run

Last night's 3-mile training run was by far the coldest yet (about 20 degrees, maybe less), and the most treacherous, since we've received about a foot and a half of snow in the past couple weeks.  The sidewalks were a minefield of snow, ice, and a combo of the two in some spots.  (Unfortunately, my Chief Running Buddy suffered an ankle twist with about a mile to go - a direct result of the sidewalk conditions.  I foresee a Yaktrax purchase in our very near future!)

As we ran last night, clothing layered and headlamps on, I kept thinking about training for the marathon. I have been battling some hip and back pain, but as we ran last night, I felt great. Exhilarated, even. The day before, I ran in my first 10k race ever.  Yeah, I know, seems weird, since I have run so many 5ks, 5-milers, and four half marathons.  The 10k race distance is one that had eluded my schedule until now.  I kept visualizing myself running in Boston, right on Hereford, left on Boylston.... I have a long way to go before April 15, but a training run like last night helps me believe that I CAN do this.