Friday, June 2, 2017

The Land of “IF”

At our first consultation, the news hit me like a truck – premature ovarian failure.  Wait, what?? I’m only 35. How? Why?  Of course, these questions didn’t come to mind until hours and days later.  Long after I sobbed on Derek’s shoulder in the middle of the parking lot.  

First, I was numb.  Clarity and some awareness came later.  I remember I got a bad vibe when I was there.  The doctor seemed dismissive, quick to write off my initial (and partial) blood work as the end. Minimal explanations. And a pitiful, “I’m so sorry. It looks like premature ovarian failure. Your chances of conceiving are less than 1%, unless you use donor eggs.”  
What? Donor eggs? Only half my child? How does that even work?

Thus began our journey navigating the land of “IF” - INFERTILITY.  That taboo word and situation that no one wants to talk about.  In truth, I prefer “fertility challenged,” because, you know, I like to be different.  This was April 2016.  We had been married almost a year. And I wasn't getting any younger (as I was reminded frequently).
I realize this is awkward. And probably uncomfortable too.  Maybe people might read it.  Maybe no one will read it.  But you know what, who cares?!  If you are still reading after I mentioned OVARIES and INFERTILITY, maybe you’ll stick around for more awkward stories!  (If you stick around, it will be worth it - I promise!)
After our first meeting at the first clinic, there was no question:  We wanted another opinion.  Thankfully, the second place put out a much more calming feeling. From the initial conversation with the patient coordinator to the doctor to the ultrasound tech, I felt more comfortable.  Well, as comfortable as I could feel, given the circumstances and tests prescribed.  Cue the consult, more blood work, ultrasound, waiting for my period to arrive, semen analysis for D, cycle day 3 testing for me, the HSG, and that isn’t even a lot compared to others I know going through even more difficult fertility problems than I have.  New diagnosis: ovarian insufficiency.  That’s not as bad, maybe…? Dr. DiGirolamo seemed to think there are good eggs in there, but we just need to access them.  
Ok, but how??? Answer: Medication. Lots of hormone meds. Like the kind you inject into your stomach, the kind that make you fat and make coworkers and random strangers congratulate you on expecting and you’re like “Nope. Just fat. Thanks!”
Fast forward to November.  The game plan was IUI (intrauterine insemination).  Given my situation/diagnosis, I didn’t seem to be a candidate for IVF (which, btw, is what EVERYONE thinks of when you mention fertility treatments.  Not the only option, folks.) We were ready for our “Hail Mary” play (Dr. DiG’s words, for serious).  After a few months of cancelled cycles due to a (massive) cyst and wonky hormone numbers, we were good to go.  
(Still with me??  Good! It will be worth it!)
The roller coaster that is the land of the fertility challenged is an interesting and surreal one.  There are a lot of assumptions made…. For example: fertility treatments = IVF.  Yes and no.  IVF is a type of ART, yet not the only method.  Not many people know what IUI is.  The surreal, for example, is waking up super early on Christmas morning because that is when your doctor wants you to come in for your next mid-cycle blood work and ultrasound monitoring (btw - The Land of IF has zero holidays off).  Surreal is also being one of a dozen women visiting the clinic for the same monitoring on said Christmas morning.  The Land of IF does not discriminate - all people from all walks of life, all cultures, ethnicities, races…There are as many types and causes of infertility as there are different people navigating this journey.  It is both sobering and comforting.  Those navigating the Land of IF are part of a special, secret club that no one talks about (think: Fight Club, without the soap-making front).  
Ok, back to the plan. We navigate the holidays and several back to back IUI cycles. As my 36th birthday approached (in early March), I was having a hard time.  We had done 3 medicated cycles.  My body responded well, but not awesome. We had negative after negative test.  A few days after my birthday, we were scheduled for IUI #4.  By now, we knew the drill.  Rest and relax for a couple alcohol, no crazy exercise, and see you in 2 weeks for blood test to see if the procedure worked (or not).  

We did 4 back-to-back cycles. Back-to-back roller coaster rides of the ups and downs. The hope, and then the defeat.

Moral(s) of the story:
  • Even if curiosity is killing you, please don’t ask if someone is planning on having babies or when they will have babies.  Oh, and please PLEASE do not assume someone is expecting. Unless they tell you personally that they are expecting. Just don't. They may be navigating the Land of IF and your inquiry is not helpful and will make the one being asked just feel worse.

  • If someone entrusts you with their fertility story, please just listen. Don’t try to fix it, offer suggestions, or share stories of your mother’s cousin’s best friend’s daughter’s mailman's next door neighbor who got pregnant right after making an appointment with a fertility doctor.  Your heart may be in the right place, but just listening truly demonstrates you care.

  • There is no “one size fits all” in the Land of IF.  Every person, every diagnosis, every treatment is different.  In the United States, 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility.  So much can be said for modern medicine (science is real, peeps!) and hope.  

  • Be an advocate for yourself.  Getting a second opinion is OK.  Questioning the prescribed treatment is OK.  Ask questions, learn about your body, be your own champion. And if you don’t feel comfortable with your doctor/the clinic/your treatment plan, get another opinion.

And… in the end… our journey was worth it. <3  
Baby Girl M will be joining us around December 1.

Friends - if you are still reading, and perhaps on your own journey in the Land of IF - reach out. It’s lonely out there. You don’t have to go it alone.  
I was (and still am) fortunate to have wonderful support along the way, and I realize not everyone has a strong support system.  Not everyone’s journey ends with a happy outcome.  And as you travel this road, it is OK to not be OK sometimes. You don't have to explain yourself. Just know that it's OK to be what you are.
Find your strength, lean on your tribe, and protect your heart as much as you have to.

Additional Resources
Here are some resources I found helpful for information, support, sharing with others, and hope.


  1. Hugs to you and D. Thank you for sharing your story.❤

  2. Hugs to you and D. Thank you for sharing your story.❤